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Man goes to doctor with gravy on his head, custard in his ears, sausages up his nose and ice-cream in his underpants.
The doctor says "So what wrong with you?"
Man says "I've got an eating problem!"
**********
Man goes to doctor and says
"I've got this pain when I touch my knee,
And also when I touch my wrist,
And also when I touch my nose"
Doctors says
"yes I know exactly what the problem is !
You've got a broken finger!"
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Did you hear about the skeleton who refused to go to the party?
He had no body to go with...
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A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
**********
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of hot tea.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye as he takes a sip of his tea.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his tea. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were nearly 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will ensure you go to prison for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been out today."
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